Rejection

First blog, here we go.

Ok, so when someone rejects you don't you think they like acquire some sort of power? Like a super power of the ability to inflict pain on you? The more they hurt you the harder it is to let go. This is the painful [paradox] of abandonment.

“So why does it take so long to get over it?” I ask myself. When we suffer from rejection we judge ourselves soo harshly for not being able to feel better sooner, for not being able to get over it in a heartbeat. We beat ourselves up for feeling so weak and so needy. We feel this so called “weakness” is proving our abandoner right for rejecting us.

Recent events have finally made me understand why all of this happens...it brought me closer to rejection that I think I've ever felt before, and ever wanted to be. Of course we all get rejected in life whether it is to your 5th grade crush who you want to be their valentine, or getting in to Student Council, or the love of your life wants nothing to do with you, it happens to all of us. I mean I've been rejected before, but this time hurt more than many others. For one person to be able to be so open about true feelings is an accomplishment, but when you are denied it hurts, or even worse when they feel the same way about you but there is something standing in the way of your fairytale ending, that makes is way worse. Let's just say i didn't get my fairytale ending and i was left with one question. how can you mean sooo much to one person and at the same time have to share that love with another?

I think that all people that go through abandonment lose self-esteem. We beat ourselves up for losing the person, even though it may not be our fault. We conclude that we must be reject able, valueless, unworthy. We shame ourselves for pining and yearning and wanting someone who has hurt us so badly.

We then turn the rage over being rejected against themselves, beating themselves up, causing themselves to plummet into a painful depression, damaging their self-esteem further. We blame ourselves for everything that's happened automatically. Having disqualified ourselves as worthy of love, we are panicked over fearing that we will wind up dieing alone. The anxiety seems unbearable and bottomless.

That’s why abandonment grief feels like a terminal illness, an illness that spreads out among people by contact. We are afraid we will die of out wounds – that is, die anxious, worthless, and alone.

Whew, a painful depression! And it lags on....